Leona Lewis

Coldplay

The Fray

Christina Aguilera

Pink

Mariah Carey

Taylor Swift

Miley Cyrus

Beyonce

Mimi did her new single “I’m that chick.” I always find her performances kind of hilarious because they basically consist of her standing in one place and wiggling her body in a tight dress while her backup dancers do all of the work. She needs to put this single on the backburner and release “Migrate” already.

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Beyonce and Justin Timberlake did a rendition of “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real,” which was originally sung by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. They look cute together but B should’ve left the golden jumpsuit at home.

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Let’s face it folks, we don’t watch awards shows for the awards. We watch these gaudy things for fashion and music. This is why, last night I DVR’d the 2007 American Music Awards. I needed to fast forward through the inane stuff and get to the good parts. With performances that ranged from Celine Dion to Chris Brown, the show wasn’t half as bad as I thought it was going to be. In fact, it topped the MTV Video Music Awards and that’s saying somethin’. Sure, there was no Britney debacle, but it had it’s fair share of crappy performances. So the following is a rundown of my thoughts on several of those mini-debacles, complete with video. Enjoy!

Fergie -”Fergalicious/Clumsy/Big Girls Don’t Cry” - It’s been a great two years for Fergie. With an album that has spawned a string of big hits, she’s definitely someone to watch out for. If only that could translate on stage. Her short medley started off promising, but after “Fergalicious” it went downhill. And what happened to “Glamorous”? Her vocals were lacking during the “Big” ballad near the end. Oh well, at least she didn’t show up drunk.

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Will.i.am. “Heartbreaker” - Will shows promise with his future/sex/love….uh…performance. But I grew bored after the first minute, that is until he broke out in his futuristic James Brown dance moves — best part of the whole number.

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Nicole Scherzinger “Baby Love” - Nicole tries to get the crowd to “put their hands together” and sing along to her non-existant hit that nobody probably knows the words to, except her. She tries to Jennifer Hudson the thing out of it but fails miserably. Seriously, if there’s anything that I learned in the first 10 minutes of this show it was that these people can’t sing.

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Avril “Yawn” Lavigne “Hot” - Despite being the best song on her most recent album, (did you really think it was “Girlfriend”?) Lavigne just can’t hack it on stage. The woman has as much charisma as a doorknob. Sure, she opts for a hot pink mike stand, but where’s the energy? Where’s the punk rock kicks? It looks like she can’t stand being there half the time. So those of you getting tickets for the Dodge Arena show, beware. It might not be as exciting as you’d think. “Hot” still rocks, though. Oddly enough, she sounds better than her diva peers Nicole and Fergie.

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Jonas Brothers “SOS” - I had an idea of what these guys were about. They’re heavily promoted on the Disney Channel. But I had no idea it was POP-tacular! Ok, I kid. It basically sounds like a brunette version of Hanson doing the most POP-tastic Good Charlotte song ever. Y’know? No? Ok, imagine the kind of music that’s probably being loaded into your 13-year-old cousin’s iPod. I know, it sucks, right?Please enable Javascript and Flash to view this Flash video.

Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo “Umbrella/Hate That I Love You” - It’s like Rihanna heard Marie Digby’s version of “Umbrella” and wasn’t having any of it. I picture her sitting in her dressing room on her iPhone giving out orders. “Get me a 50-piece orchestra now! I ain’t goin’ down without a fight,” she’d demand. But then Ne-Yo calls her up on the other line with, “Yo, Rih, we’re supposed to do a duet. I can’t let these 15 minutes of fame be over! I gotta milk it.” So they mesh the songs together and Rihanna brings on the sass and it becomes one of the best performances of the night.

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Sugarland ft. Beyonce “Irreplaceable”??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Seconds before my finger was about to press the fast-forward button, I heard the Sugarland lady sing “To the left, to the left” and I almost dropped the remote. What the?! Who the?! And then Beyonce joins them and diva-fies the whole thing! I was embarrassed. I cringed the entire time. Just watch it for yourself. They should have warned viewers that this was not for the faint of heart!

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Celine “Taking Chances”- What can I say? The woman looks great and the song isn’t a bad single. She’s got charisma and although the performance lacked a little bit, you can always count on the woman to hit every single note and she’s sassy as hell. She kind of reminds me of my aunt Lucy — completely over-the-top, but you love her to death cause she wears a ton of jewelry and tells you you’re fabulous all the time.

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Lenny Kravitz “I’ll Be Waiting” - Who invited Lenny and made him play this boring, generic adult contemporary ballad? Did they need bathroom break performance? I thought that’s what Celine was for.

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Chris Brown “Kiss Kiss” -Looks like Chris spent the past few weeks watching Tron, cause the man got his Tron-on on stage. He also engaged in some terrible lip synching. But Brown’s all about the live performance and the dance skills so I suppose it must be done. Nevertheless, the Tron getups looked ridiculous.

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Alicia Keys “No One” - Keys plays the first few seconds of the original, then launches into this reggae funk jam session complete with choreography and guest stars. Many will say Alicia killed it and they’re probably right. But I still can’t stand “No One” and I don’t think I ever will.

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